Guest blog by femanon

Women are hypocrites. Everyone knows that. Girls know it. Their friends know it. Their mothers know it. Their boyfriends also know it. But those poor silly boys don’t know the half of it.

Not all women are hypocrites, but most of us are, at least some of the time, cos that’s how hypocrisy works.

To our partners, we’ll say one thing (OK we’ll say a lot of things, but there’s one message we’ll reiterate): “Don’t cheat. If you ever cheat, I’ll chop your balls off.”

And hey, we’re perfectly within our rights to reiterate that message. Cos as everyone knows, guys are dicks.

We know our boyfriends aren’t perfect. We know they look at other women. Fellas, that’s perfectly OK (provided you aren’t too blatant about it). We check out men all the time. Discreetly of course, unless he’s smoking hot, in which case you’ll notice the colour rising in our cheeks as we struggle to suppress the urge to do really bad things.

Looking for feels in all the wrong places

Desire is natural, guys. Acting on that desire is completely unacceptable however – unless it’s us girls who feel the insatiable need for forbidden fruit.

That’s the first thing to understand about women: just because we repeat the same mantra to our partners doesn’t preclude us from doing the exact opposite.

But it’s not our fault. Nothing’s our fault. That’s one of the great things about being a screaming ball of mascara and contradictions: we can pretty much do whatever we want.

You want the truth about women? You really want the truth?

Fine, have it. Just don’t blame us if you can’t handle the truth, cos that bitch can hurt.

An open letter to the fellas

Guys, there’s a lot you don’t understand about us. Take hair and beauty for instance. When you see us out in town, tottering about in tall heels and short skirts, you assume we’re doing that just for you. Perhaps not you personally – you’re not that daft – but certainly to attract your kind.

Love hurts

Us girls are just a bunch of cock teases, right?

Wrong. There’s a reason why we’ll spend hours in front of the mirror, meticulously blending concealer, rubbing in fake tan and deploying enough hairspray to slay an elephant. We don’t do that for our partner’s benefit and we certainly don’t do it for the rest of mankind.

We do it for ourselves. Which girl doesn’t want to look good? We enjoy the confidence boost that comes from being able to glance in the mirror without wincing or feeling compelled to reach for the hairspray one last time.

That doesn’t mean we don’t relish the compliments we get from our mates or our partner when we sparkle; the envious glances we get from other girls in the club – fatter, plainer girls. Or the admiring glances we’ll get from complete strangers. You know, like other men. Gulp.

Second glance

It’s true, we love having the power to turn heads. If we’re trying to attract a certain someone – or simply to remind our GTA-playing stoner boyfriend what he’s missing out on – of course we’ll make an effort.

But for the most part, we get dressed up for ourselves, just as when we dress down in a onesie and no make-up we do it for ourselves. But that’s something most men could never understand. The ones whistling in the street and the ones staring on the Tube, wondering what time we must have gotten up at to commence our beauty regime.

(7am, since you asked. And yes, we do enjoy doing it.)

Sure, there are girls who are tarts, just as there guys who are slags. There are silly little girls who douse themselves in perfume and no pants to attract the leers and jeers of the opposite sex. Dirties will always be dirties, but the vast majority of us dress for ourselves first and foremost and for men a distant second.

We may enjoy male attention on occasions, but we’re not so disingenuous as to surreptitiously court it, save for those girls who post cleavage shots with the hashtag #badhairday. They’re ridiculously disingenuous, even if they’re too dumb to know the meaning of the word.

When femanons stray

Harvey Specter: you would

We’re not saying we would cheat on you. We’re just saying that if it ever were to happen, we’d do it for perfectly forgivable reasons. You brought it on yourself for not paying us enough attention or for paying someone else too much attention or for not being there when we were drunk and emotional and tried ringing you three times.

If that were to happen, then yes, we’d be perfectly within our right to cheat. But even then, it would be a misdemeanour, nothing more. A relationship malfunction. And at least you could rely on us to be discreet. We wouldn’t do it with a complete potato before limping home riddled with shame and chlamydia. Besides, the guilt we’d feel afterwards would be punishment enough for straying.

We might tell you about it but we probably wouldn’t. We’d like to think we could be honest with you, but we know you’d try to exact revenge by sleeping with some tubby ho-bag and wind up riddled. Which is why, for the sake of our relationship – for both of us – we probably wouldn’t tell you. Unless you cheated and we found out and in the heat of the moment to even the score we blurted it out and then had to go out and cheat again, to properly even the score.

Most of the time, we’re faithful and loving. Cheating doesn’t even enter our mind. But if you’re not going to pay us attention, too right we’ll seek it elsewhere. We don’t step out for the night with the intention of straying. Sometimes, though, it just plays out that way.

[tweet httpss://twitter.com/DaneCook/status/425414319619076096]

Girl on girl stuff

Since we’re generously giving you a glimpse into our inner psyche – you know, beyond the bullshit they feed you in those hopeless men’s magazines – we’d better discuss lesbianism.

Would you like to hear about out our innermost fantasies? Would it arouse you to hear that we fantasise about girls, and that sometimes, when we visit the toilets with our mate in tow, we’ll lezz off?

Sorry to break it to you fellas, but it ain’t like that. OK, so you probably knew that. Of course you knew that. But deep down you were hoping you were wrong.

While we’re on the topic though, do you wanna know what it feels like, as a woman, to kiss another woman?

Pretty good actually. You wanna know how it feels to do more than that with another woman?

Really good. Like, really, really good.

If that’s true, why don’t we make out with girls more often, either with our boyfriend (neatly ticking off his top ten fantasies in one fell swoop), or simply for our own pleasure?

Well, girls are fun, and we’d never say never again, but for those of us who identify as heterosexual, it’s nothing more than a pleasing distraction.

When you go for a pee and see the guy next to you whipping out his junk, do you get aroused? Of course not. Yes, we’re aware that there’s far less stigma attached to girls hooking up than there is to supposedly straight guys fooling around. (Clue: it’s all to do with a word that starts with the letters P-E-N. No, not that one – penetration).

We can live without men. Of course we can live without men. Jeez, what is this, 1814? We can and we do live happily without men. Sexually, we can do without you. Emotionally we can do without you. And financially, too goddamn right we can live without you.

Sometimes though, it’s just nice to feel a fat cock.

So yeah, we’ll always have a use for men. We’ve got our toys – and they’re great, just for the record – but the real thing certainly still has its uses.

OK, so we’ve ticked off cheating, lipstick lesbianism and beauty. What else would you like to know?

Friends without benefits

Ah yes: male friends. Platonic male friends. Believe it or not, we don’t want to fuck every guy we meet. Most of us have male friends we enjoy hanging out with. Sometimes – gasp – we’ll even hang out with them alone. Because that’s what friends do.

But don’t even dream of doing the same with one of your ‘platonic’ female friends. The moment we hear you’re ‘hanging out’ and ‘watching movies’ with a girl who isn’t us, you’re in deep trouble. It’s not because we have double standards – it’s because you can’t be trusted in such situations.

And don’t get all butthurt – you’ve only got yourselves to blame. You’ve already admitted as much:

Anything else you’d like to know before we return to our gated community of girldom, leaving you to rage fap over the injustices between the sexes?

You want to know about our sexual fantasies? Ah, should have guessed. You want to know whether we fantasise about any of your mates.

No, not really. Well, not generally. OK, so there is that one mate of yours who’s kinda cute. No, not him. He’s a closet homosexual waiting to happen. Srsly. We definitely weren’t thinking about him – nor him. Nope.tiff. Try again. Getting warmer. Warmer.

Bingo.

Why him? Jesus, you ask which of your mates we’d get with and then throw a hissy fit when we reveal the answer?

We’re not saying we actively wanna get with him. If we wanted to do that we’d have done it a long time ago. Woah, no need to get so mad.

Besides, let’s have some context here. We know you’d fuck every single one of our mates if you thought you could get away with it. Even the fat one we hang out with just to make ourselves feel thinner.

Unlike you, it’s not hardwired into us to cheat. “Spreading our seed” just isn’t a thing. If we ever do cheat – IF – we don’t do it for our own selfish reasons. We do it because of you.

We do it because you either stopped noticing us and stopped trying or because you didn’t pick up when we were drunk and emotional and needed a voice to talk to.

We are the 99%

Fellow women, if you’re reading this and protesting that you’d never do such a thing, congratulations: you’re part of the elite. That 1% of women who never get drunk and occasionally snog someone they shouldn’t. Your sexual fantasies must be super awesome.

And guys, if you’re reading this and protesting that your girlfriend would do no such thing, perhaps you’re right. Perhaps she’s an angel. A complete keeper you should be looking to wife at the earliest available opportunity.

But here’s the thing: just supposing she isn’t. Just supposing she’s prone to the occasional slip-up. Just supposing she was….human. If she did stray, how would you ever know?

Oh yes, we’re very good at covering our tracks when we have to. But hey, I’ve talked too much already. I can’t give away all our secrets.

If you can’t trust the girl you’re with, by all means go out there and find a better one. But remember, deep down, male or female, we’re all the same: beautiful mistakes stumbling through life.

We fight, we fuck, we love, we lose and then we wake up and do it all over again. Oh, the humanity.

—★★★—

Also from Ed Uncovered

• The Truth About Men

• The Truth About Growing Up

• 8 Reasons Why Women Have More Fun Than Men