British women’s mannequins are getting bigger. So are British women. As a guy, I am very okay with this: women are welcome to go up a cup size. As for mannequins, I couldn’t care less because I can’t fap over a mannequin (and believe me I’ve tried).

One size increase I am not okay with, however, is women’s handbags.

In case you haven’t noticed, women’s handbags have gotten big. They’ve gotten hella big. Bigger than a fat girl nomming on chocolate cake big. That’s big.

But why? What has caused handbags to expand so rapidly in recent years? Smartphones are getting smaller, yet handbags just keep on growing.

What’s in Cara Delevigne’s handbag? Drugs.

Bagged up

I hate large handbags for numerous reasons. I hate them because they steal precious space on the Tube. I hate them because they look like bin sacks. But mostly, I hate large handbags because I’m invariably held up by women rummaging in them, seconds after leaving the house, to check for iPhone/keys/mascara. Every girl does it.

I can’t stop girls from carrying these monstrosities but I can at least get to the bottom of what’s in a girl’s handbag. Men can leave the country with nothing more than the contents of their pockets. What are these trinkets deemed so essential a girl just can’t leave home without them?

Princess superstar

This sounded like an assignment that would involve speaking to lots of women. So I texted my girlfriend and got her do the job for me.

Within minutes, I had the answer I craved.

What’s in a girl’s handbag?

Claire’s Bag

• Purse
• Deodorant
• Camera
• Cigarettes
• Phone
• Hair brush
• Headphones
• iPod lead
• Clip
• Make up bag x 20 items
• Concealer
• Blusher
• Brush
• Mascara
• Hair clips x2
• Kirby grip
• Lip gloss
• Eye pencil
• Sharpener
• Perfume
• Railcard
• Powder
• Primer
• Lip stuff
• Eye palette
• Clip
• Body spray
• Inhaler
• Cool card
• Gym membership
• Spare Kirby grips
• Train tickets
• Fucked pen
• The pill
• Sunglasses
• Pay slip
• Battery charger
• Clip
• Sun cream
• Lighter
• Spare lighter
• 2p

Anne’s Bag

• Pink fur hat
• Newspaper article
• Empty packet of cigs
• Four cigs
• Pen
• Post office receipt
• Sunbed cream
• Earphones
• Nail file
• Used tissues x 3
• EyeBrow bar leaflet
• Work letter
• Eyebrow pencil sharpener
• Vicks vapour rub
• Sweetie wrapper
• Pill
• Receipt from Tesco
• Purse
• Bus receipt
• Double base cream
• Boyfriend’s flat keys
• Heel replacements for shoes
• Mirror
• Lipsticks x 7
• Flat keys
• Paracetamol
• Perfume
• Toothpick
• Stamps
• Diazepam
• 5p
• Makeup bag
• Mascara
• Concealer
• Lip balm
• Spare battery for bullet
• Eyebrow pencil
• Tampon
• Eyedrops
• Eyeliner x2
• Tweezers
• Eyeshadows x 4

Princess’s Bag

• Purse
• Umbrella + cover
• Make up brush
• Deodorant
• Pen
• Flat keys
• Necklaces x2
• Rings x 2
• Hair clips x 3
• Compeed blister plasters
• 2 packets of chewing gum
• Bar of dark chocolate
• Packet of tissues
• Perfumed moisturiser
• Tub of eczema cream
• Lip balm
• Spare top
• Beanie hat
• Pill
• Make up primer
• Bronzer
• Mascara x 2
• Eye shadow palette
• Blusher
• Shimmer stick
• Hair bands
• Lip gloss
• Eye moisturiser
• Nail clippers
• Eyebrow stuff
• Pencil sharpener

That’s what’s in a woman’s handbag.

Thanks girls. I decided to contextualise these findings by comparing them with the contents of a man’s bag. But real men don’t have bags, they have pockets. The possessions that do matter to men don’t leave the house. They’re called gadgets and they’re the only thing a man hordes.

How Many Gadgets Does a Guy Have?

I put this question to Ed Uncovered’s #2, Ravi, and he responded with the following:

• Hackintosh 8 Core i7 Overclocked & GTX670 (Geekbench Score 14013 bitchez)
• MacBook Air (2013 i5)
• Raspberry Pi (Model B)
• Litecoin Mining Rig 1Gh/s
• Blackmagic Cinema 2.5K MFT
• USB Bitcoin Miners (multiple) 336MH/s each
• RME Fireface A/D Converter and Preamp
• AKG Reference Class Headphones

Eight cherished items. Which is four less than the number of items Claire and Anne’s friend Molly carries in her ‘normal’ handbag:

• Packet of cigarettes
• Passport
• Margiottas receipt
• Keys
• Lion keychain
• Lip balm
• Lighter
• Kirby grips
• Mobile phone
• Fake eyelash glue
• Diamond from earring
• £3.23 change

So there you have it: the average girl has 44 items she can’t leave home without. Guys have eight items they can’t live without.

Girls aren’t better or worse than us for carrying so much clutter; they’re just different. And have bigger bags. Much bigger.

—★★★—

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