Also from Ed Uncovered: “I don’t even like having sex” – What’s Wrong with Hunter Moore?
[quote_center]”Never trust anyone. Be selfish. Being with someone only holds you back in life. Fuck bitches, get money and wear cool clothes.” – Hunter Moore[/quote_center]
It ain’t easy, being Hunter Moore. There’s the girls to finger, frig and fuck; the drugs to snort, bosh and bomb; the blowjobs to receive, the Rolling Stone interviews to do, the parties to host and the perverted schemes to dream so the proles can debase themselves for your pleasure.
It’s a tough job being Hunter Moore, but someone’s got to do it – and that person just so happens to be Hunter Moore.
Who the fuck is Hunter Moore – and how did he reach heaven before the rest of us?
He’s the Messiah – and a very naughty boy
Hunter Moore is Hunter Moore – I thought I’d already explained that one. As for what Hunter does to grant him such bountiful booty and beautiful bounty, why, I just told you: he fucks girls, takes drugs and throws parties. Hunter is as Hunter does, and that’s why he’s Hunter Moore – and you’re not.
If it sounds like the best job in the world, that’s because it is, but there are also downsides to being Hunter Moore, for every job has its drawbacks – that’s why it’s called a job. In Hunter’s case, the bad stuff includes being raided by the FBI, enraging every boyfriend in America and receiving over 9,000 takedown notices for publishing unauthorised n00dz.
The most hated man in America
No one ever made it to the top without stepping on a few toes along the way. Hunter Moore hasn’t just stepped on toes: he’s sucked them, wrapped them around his knob and spaffed all over them – often without the consent of their owners’ boyfriends. Hunter will be Hunter, as sure as sluts will be sluts. At any given time, half the female population of America are trying to have their nudes retweeted by Hunter; the other half are trying to have theirs taken down.
He may act like a total boss, but there’s something else you should know about Hunter Moore: he’s also a total cock.
Make no mistake, this man is a motherfucker of the highest order.
Somehow, although scientists don’t quite understand it, during the course of snorting thousands of lines, piecing fuck-tons of dirties, motorboating a sea of titties and infuriating countless boyfriends, Hunter Moore turned into a dick.
How this happened is a complete mystery.
Hands up who wants to be Hunter Moore? He may be a grade-one knob jockey but you’d swap your life for his in a heartbeat.
A day in the life of HM
Every afternoon, Hunter Moore awakens to find a random dirty in his bed, a coked-up credit card on the dresser and another batch of Twitter mentions to sift through, filled with pictures of naked sluts and interspersed with the occasional knob.
This is what Hunter Moore does for a job. Am I jelly? Too goddamn right I’m jelly.
Hunter need only suggest a depraved act and instantly his minions will perform it for his pleasure. Shit-eating? Toilet bowl-licking? Self-fellatio? There’s nothing the twittersphere won’t do for a free t-shirt and fleeting fame.
[quote_center]If somebody killed themselves over being on the site do you know how much money I’d make? At the end of the day, I don’t want anybody to hurt themselves. But if they do? Thank you for the money” – Hunter Moore.[/quote_center]
Following Hunter’s account is like playing chat roulette: you’re never quite sure what’s gonna show up in your Twitter feed. Last night, I witnessed guys sticking their dicks in salsa, pizza and catnip. Tonight, who knows what delights lie in store? Hunter surely doesn’t – he’s still sleeping off the excesses of last night, with a couple of dirties draped over him.
IAU2’s themed submission days are especially popular, arranged using such hashtags as #ThingsInYourFannyThursday and #BirthDefectTuesday. Then there’s #StalkMe, where attention-whores – of both sexes – post their picture, area code and cell number so that complete randoms can perv on them. Many of Hunter’s girls also have #stalkme enshrined in their Twitter bio, and yet were you to actually take them at their word and lurk outside their bedroom window, they’d file a restraining order in less time than it takes to complete a speed fap. What’s that all about?
Why is Everyone up for Is Anyone Up?
Last year, Hunter Moore ran IsAnyoneUp.com, a site that gleefully published nudes, accompanied by the victim’s Facebook, Twitter and contact details. Users were then encouraged to post comments ‘critiquing’ the subjects’ bodies.
Inexplicably, this induced mass butthurt, rage and rustling, leading to numerous lolsuits being filed against the irrepressible porn merchant. Hunter simply ignored them, as a man who is raking in $20,000 a month from ad revenue is prone to do.
Eventually, shit got too real even for Hunter’s liking; one morning he awoke to find armed FBI agents raiding his apartment. They confiscated his phone and laptop and pored over the IAU database. Is Anyone Up was starting to become a millstone around Hunter’s neck, so he did the sensible thing and closed it down.
Having learned from his mistakes, the 26-year-old promptly turned to social media, a vehicle which would allow him to do exactly the same shit – but on Twitter.
Join the Cult
To say that Hunter Moore inspires devotion in his followers would be like saying that Mitt Romney looks a bit creepy. Hunter’s devout followers will do anything for their dear leader.
Back in the day, kids used to get dragged to church by their parents, where they would fidget their way through Sunday service. The youth of the internet generation are thankfully free of the shackles of religion. In its place, they choose to prostrate – and occasionally prostate – themselves at the feet of Hunter Moore.
There’s a case for arguing that impressionable teenagers shouldn’t be encouraged to tweet pictures of themselves, but then again, there’s also a case for saying STFU, it’s a bit of fucking skin and the internet isn’t going to explode if another set of bewbs are exposed.
Besides, IAU2 isn’t really made for fapping – sure there’s some hotties in there, but there’s also instant de-boner material sprinkled amidst the salacious self-shots. The beauty of IAU2 is that your parents would absolutely hate it, and that alone is reason enough to follow.
LulzSec once observed, “Justin Bieber is wasting his time tweeting all that nonsense. He could be directing a mass botnet of little girls.” Hunter Moore also tweets a lot of nonsense, but he certainly isn’t wasting his time. The entrepreneur has cultivated an army of avid followers who will drop anything for Hunter whenever the Messiah commands it.
Hunter Moore is the god who Beliebers gravitate to upon turning 18. First comes Justin Bieber, then comes puberty, then comes the cult of Hunter.
[pull_quote_center]Basically you’re going to be able to get your dick sucked 10 times faster than Match.com, OKCupid or Craigslist. It’s going to be super scary” – Hunter Moore describing the successor to Is Anyone Up, which supposedly launches soon.[/pull_quote_center]
Hunter’s human botnet is growing stronger every day – and he’s not afraid to use it in increasingly fiendish ways; to further his own career of course, and for the good old lulz, the reason why anyone does anything on the internet.
Is Anyone Up won’t be around forever; just as Gangnam Style was last week’s thing, right now it’s all about Hunna, as the honeys call him. Eventually we’ll get bored and move on to something else. For now though, in spite of the unspeakable wrongs he wreaks, Hunter Moore can do no wrong. Everything he touches ends up on his dick.
Whether you choose to join the cult, fight the cult or ignore it altogether is entirely up to you. Whatever your decision, rest assured:
Hunter Moore couldn’t give a fuck.
★ Also from Ed Uncovered: “I don’t even like having sex” – What’s Wrong with Hunter Moore?
Follow @whisperednothin < Ed Uncovered, yo.
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Bonus feature: Moar Hunter Moore
Above: short of losing your p/t job, your respect and your allowance, nothing.
Even Moar Hunter Moore