Q: What do Bono, Kim Jong-un and Piers Morgan have in common?
A: I want them all dead.
Not make believe dead, but real life dead.
Everyone has a hit list. Celebs, politicians and workmates they’d like to see laid out on a cold slab. Most people keep this list inside their heads, because thought crime isn’t a crime. Word crime is.
I’m not like most people though. I’m dumber.
This week started off fatuously on EU with The Hole, aka ‘the dumbest thing I’ve ever done’. On Friday, there’ll be more dumbness in the form of The Hole (part II). Today’s Wednesday, and how better to sandwich that dumbness than with a generous filling of stupidity?
It’s not stupid to want these people dead: there is a very strong case for arguing that the world would be a better place with every single fool on my list extraordinarily rendered to the great gig in the sky. It is stupid to write about it though. In an era where tweeting the N-bomb can get five-oh to your door, how much trouble can a blogger get into for publishing their hit list?
Let’s find out.
The Hit List
If you could kill anyone, who would you kill? And why? And how would you do it? So many questions – and that’s before we factor in the ones you’ll face from PC Plod for putting your murder wish list on the internet.
I’ll tell you mine, then you tell me yours in the comments below. Then we can all share the same jail cell, because words are weapons apparently.
[vc_button title=”Donald Trump” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Donald Trump. You might hate him for his comb over but that would be wrong, cos there are plenty of better reasons for hating Trump. As the Grand Douche Overlord of America, Trump’s ego knows no bounds. He bullies, he blusters and he uses his rich white male privilege to full effect. Trump’s only redeeming feature? Patrick Bateman was a fan.
Kill Method: Engine failure on Trump’s private 747 causing it to go full 9/11 into Trump Tower.
httpss://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/statuses/331907383771148288
[vc_button title=”Rupert Murdoch” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Hurr, I’m a media mogul.
Speaking of old privileged douchebags, Rupert Murdoch can do one too. Technically speaking, it’s a waste of a kill since the cantankerous bastard could pop his clogs at any time. That said, it’s always the ones you hate the most that cling on the longest. Best not take any chances or he’ll pull a Thatcher and I’m simply not prepared to wait that long.
Kill Method: Ingesting palladium before ‘stumbling into his famous topiary garden’ of course.
httpss://twitter.com/LulzSec/status/93122799769628672
[vc_button title=”Robert Mugabe” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Check that swag.
Ed Uncovered is nothing if not egalitarian, so in the interests of fairness, let’s drop a privileged black douchebag. Robert Mugabe is a dick. Let’s kill him. In truth, the world is full of despotic leaders who deserve a taste of their own medicine. This one goes out to all the Mugabes and Assads. One day you’ll get yours. Here’s praying it’s slow and excruciatingly painful.
Kill Method: Trampled underfoot by white settlers after having his presidential compound overthrown.
[vc_button title=”James Clapper” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Go on, indict me.
James Clapper is the US Director of National Intelligence. He’s also the glorious winged faggot who lied to Congress about NSA surveillance – and got away with it. Offing him won’t change anything – there’s always another cunt ready to step in and continue the tyranny – but it would sure feel good. Advocating the assassination of the Americlaps’ security chief is a sure-fire way to ensure your US visa application is denied. That’s why I’m going to make an exception with Clapper – he can live. Sort of.
Kill Method: Waterboarded and detained indefinitely at Gitmo with intermittent force feeding.
[vc_button title=”Justin Bieber” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
To be honest, Bieber doesn’t rustle me that much, but it’d still be nice to take him out. For teh lulz. It’d be worth it just to read about butthurt fans slitting their wrists across the tracks and waking up in the bath with nothing worse than a few surface wounds and an emo status update.
Kill Method: An hero by going Full Carradine and asphyxiating himself during a chokey bum wank.
[vc_button title=”David Cameron” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Let’s face it: is there anyone in the Tory Party you wouldn’t send a ricin-dipped birthday card to given the chance? Theresa May; George Osborne; it’s a sub-hit list within a hit list.
Kill Method: A brutal fight to the death in Nick Clegg’s kitchen, culminating in Clegg slamming Cameron’s head off the floor and then enlisting Michael Gove to dispose of the dismembered corpse.
[vc_button title=”Kevin Bacon” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
It didn’t have to be this way Kevin.
Kevin Bacon used to be pretty cool. Then he started whoring himself out to every corporation that would grease his palm with Jew gold. He needs to die, if only so I can make it through the cinema trailers without hurling my popcorn at the screen.
Kill Method: Chopped into pieces with a portion sent to each of the world’s habitable continents. Because then Kevin Bacon would have SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION. MySides.jpg.
[vc_button title=”Sarah Palin” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
There don’t appear to be any women on this list. Ohai there Sarah Palin! Ridding the world of stupid is an impossible task, but there’s no harm in lopping off a few figureheads. In the words of Jesse Pinkman (who was Alaska-bound last time we checked) “You’re a bitch, BITCH!”
Kill Method: Pwned by her own moose gun backfiring. Oh the irony.
[vc_button title=”Pope Francis” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
He may be God’s Appointed Spokesman, but he also hates fags and denies AIDS-preventing contraception to millions. Sorry God, your boy’s gotta go.
Kill Method: Heart attack while fapping to gay pr0n.
[vc_button title=”Allah” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
TBH, I don’t really have much beef with Allah, but if we’re going to cap the pope, we really ought to off Allah too, just to even the score between the world’s major religions. With Muslims being such an easygoing bunch, I’m sure they won’t object to me murdering their god. For what it’s worth, I would rather have killed Mohammed but SPOILER he already dead boi.
Kill Method: How do you kill that which doesn’t exist? Simple: You just stop believing.
[vc_button title=”Midges/Mosquitoes” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Scotland has midges. Warmer countries (i.e. countries that aren’t Scotland) have mosquitoes. Frankly, they can all die in a fire. Midge-free Independent Scotland Welcomes You. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Let’s make it happen.
Kill Method: Flame-thrower. Fuck the rampant wildfires this will cause – it’s a small price to pay for a nation liberated of midges.
[vc_button title=”Casey Anthony” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Casey Anthony is the fuck who killed her two-year-old daughter before pulling an OJ and somehow getting away scot-free. You came to the wrong neighbourhood motherfucker. Casey, I’ve a special fate lined up for you – one that may sound strangely familiar.
Kill Method: Duct taped, wrapped in a blanket and abandoned in the woods. Karma’s a bitch, but not as big a bitch as Casey Anthony.
Notable mentions
The following rogues can also die a slow death: Donald Rumsfeld, David Petraeus, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney (can you sense a neo-con theme here?), Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair, One Direction, Pitbull, Lloyd Blankfein (Goldman Sachs CEO), Charles Green, Rebekah Brooks, Kerry Katona and Katie Price, killed by Harvey reversing over her in his stroller.
Epitaph
Well, that was my kill list. Who would you kill and why? Stick your suggestions in the comments below. (If you’re 
the ultra-cautious type you can always jump behind a proxy.)
By all means draw up your own hit list, but don’t go popping any of the targets on mine – cos I’m the one who’ll get a knock at the door when shit goes down.
Disclaimer (to aid my defence in the event of a trial): I feel like a dick for even having to write this, but with the po-po capable of throwing the full weight of the law behind internet trolls yet incapable of detecting sarcasm, it needs said. I’m not actually going to kill any of these people. Mostly because I don’t have a gun. But also because I’m not really the murderous type; I’m just another internet blogger trying to push the grounds of acceptable behaviour.
If Friday’s blog fails to appear (The Hole part II), you’ll know I’ve been detained for 28 days without charge due to muh terrorism. I should be safe though, cos I read somewhere that if you publish a violent rant on the internet and put lol at the end, it doesn’t count as a threat. LOL.
—★★★—
Follow @whisperednothin < Follow EU for more stuff like this.
Agree with everyone ‘cept Bacon. Although he is annoyingly everywhere at the moment, he got done through a ponzi scheme and lost everything except his house and supermodel wife… actually, just out of jealousy… keep him in!
Top of my list would be the ‘stars’ and ‘starlets’ of Towie, Chelsea, Geordie Shore and the rest. Choice of personally fisting them to death (they can choose the orifice) or Goldfinger-esque suffocating fake tan.
Damn, I’d forgotten about TOWIE, Made in Chelsea et al! They can all die from ingesting cocaine mixed with drain cleaner at a Barrymore pool party.
Simon Cowell. A method I have coined torture factor. Not that I’ve put much thought into it.