I’ve been wanting to write this piece for a while now. If you’re wondering what kept me, it wasn’t a lack of bad sex to share. It was more a sense of My Girlfriend is Really Gonna Flip Her Shit This Time.

But then I thought, well, she never found the last incriminating article I wrote. (No I’m not gonna link to it. If she sees this piece, I’ll get busted twice.) Besides darling, even if you are reading these words, what’s to get rustled about?

It’s not as if you’re on my list of worst shags. You da best. In any case, there are worse fates than discovering an article about the worst sex your boyfriend’s ever had.

Like discovering an article about the best sex he’s ever had. And then realising you’re not on the list.

For the record, that article ain’t happening. Ever. Unless I’m dumped this week, in which case it’s definitely happening.

Fucked up fucks

What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had? Sex so bad you had to apologise to your own genitals afterwards. Sex so ugly you had to chew your arm off just to escape. Sex so bad you felt ashamed before you’d even came.

> Implying you even got to cum

I’ve met some attractive women, but for every looker there’s been a 2/10 I’ve bowled out the park. I’ve stuck my dick in some rancid flesh tunnels. Not as many as I’d like, but more than I should. In no particular order, these are my worst five fucks of all time. Nevar forget.

1. Cultural stereotypes

One night I ended up piecing this short tubby French girl. I’d spoken to her in the club earlier but hadn’t taken things further. Because she was short and tubby. The French part wasn’t an issue – at least not at that stage of the evening.

When I left the club with my mate, the girl appeared out of nowhere and started following us. After I bade him goodnight, she kept walking. By now she was level with me. I wanted to spurn her advances but didn’t know how. Men are programmed to say yes. So I said yes and we had vanilla sex and it was as memorable as a beige sweater. The worst part? She had hairy pits.

Goddamn French.

2. The gusher

This encounter was wrong for many reasons, the prime one being that I had a gf at the time. I’m not excusing it, but in the words of Jizzus Christ (the original Jizzus, not Cum Bottle Guy), “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.”

Worst fuck number two was reasonably attractive. A few years older than me, she was a punky mum who worked in the same office. One afternoon, we went for a casual drink after work. One thing led to another and soon we were walking to mine for an equally casual encounter. Before we got going, she said: “I should warn you, I get really wet.” “Yeah OK,” I shrugged. That’s how it’s meant to be, right?

Not this wet. It was like someone had emptied a bucket of wallpaper paste over my bed. It was a 20-minute monsoon. A flash flood. Because I didn’t have the presence of mind to lay a tarpaulin, my sheets were soon drenched in 9,000 litres of vagoo juice.

When it was all over, I changed my super-saturated bedding and washed my soggy balls. That evening, my girlfriend came round. She sat down on the bed and looked at me quizzically. “Why are your sheets damp?”

Monsoon girl had soaked right through to my mattress, wetting my new sheets in the process.

“I-I spilled a glass of water,” I replied.

Yes, it was a scummy thing to do. And yes, I do feel fucking ashamed.

Still, the sex was pretty good.

3. The ham planet

In all honesty, I haven’t slept with many big girls. This one made up for it though. She was pretty, but she was a pretty ham planet. A pretty big ham planet too, with breasts like overstuffed laundry sacks. I willed myself to get hard, did the bare minimum and then thought happy thoughts till I could muster a finale.

Did not want. Did anyway.

4. The stripper

Some girl who worked in a strip club took a liking to me. She wasn’t hot, but she was a woman who was willing to have sex with me, and that counted for a lot. For the record, I haven’t came prematurely in over ten years. For the record, this shag was over ten years ago and I came. Prematurely.

I tried to keep going and pretend I hadn’t just shot 10cc of exuberance deep inside her but it didn’t work. It never does.

5. The no show

One new year, I made two stupid mistakes. The first was to down a bottle of Baileys. The second was to attempt to have sex. She was easy. I was hammered. It’s the only time I’ve been too REKT to fuck a one night stand. I performed oral and that was it. In hindsight, my penis was just trying to look out for me. It knew I didn’t want to go there, even if my brain thought otherwise.

The girl in question is now a lesbian. So she’s still not getting knobbed.

Baileys. Not even once.

WNB

I might have had some shocking sex over the years but it could be worse. I could be fucking this:

What’s the worst sexual experience you’ve ever had? Post your confessions in the comments below. I could use a fap.

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